Don't question the thought process behind bullshit; it'll all be bullshit, after all.

Lambda was chewing on some banana bread as usual, when he heard a sudden knock on his door. Through the peephole, he saw his landlord, a 12-year-old girl with pink hair and an arrogant attitude. Paying rent to a "stupid runt" like her was a truly miserable experience to put up with, especially with how strict she was. No delays in payment were allowed, no matter the circumstance. Which was strange; this peculiar girl surely had enough money for herself. She was the daughter of one of the most renowned lawyers in the country. Basically, the girl was a total mystery. "Ah, NepNep, please come in," Lambda said in a most polite tone, trying to appease the girl. "I'm just here to collect the rent. That will not be necessary. 1000$ in cash, you have it, right?" Lambda tried his hardest to suppress the irritation he felt, and simply nodded with a smile. On the table was a small box, in which he stacked the $50 bills neatly. He walked to it, stared at it for a brief second, took the money and handed it to the girl with both hands. "You try too hard," NepNep replied in a cold but playful tone, asserting her dominance over this mere ant named Lambda. "Well, see you next month." Lambda stared at her as she'd turned her back and was leaving, with a blank expression. He closed the door, walked over to his banana bread, and continued eating this holy substance, or, as the CEO of McDonald's would say, "product". Maybe this is a bad time to insert a dumb joke, because the holy substance was now stuck in Lambda's throat. He was wheezing, and in utter confusion and disbelief; how could his beloved banana bread do this to him? "No, banana bread, don't blame yourself. This was my fault," he thought as he called 911. ... Patrick was walking in the rainstorm without thinking of much at all. It had been two days since his girlfriend, also known as the "Mommy bot" that Archanos had designed, had broken up with him. In a wave of sadness and disappointment, he had been walking around town. If it weren't for the awareness of the drivers, he would've surely already died in the traffic. It was about time someone called the police. The ones who were assigned to the task of confronting him, officers Kraz and Schlorp, didn't receive any answer from the lost fella. Officer Kraz was in a very bad mood that day, and decided to punch him in the throat before taking him to the station. Officer Scholrp had no idea what to make of the sudden outburst, and was too timid to say anything to the hot-blooded superior. Oh, poor Scholrpie, why'd you take this job? In the car, Patrick seemed to go through a revelatory experience. Maybe it was the fresh air he had tasted for two days, something he hadn't inhaled in a couple of months? Whatever it was, that didn't matter. The newly enlightened Patrick acted unresponsive as the two policemen took him out of the car. With their guards lowered, he sharpened his gaze, and started sprinting away with full force. Enlightened or not, he wasn't able to predict the piano that fell on his head a few seconds after. (Author note: I'm genuinely sorry, but I promised bullshit, and this is exactly that.) ... Camille (who I'll refer to as LickingWalrus, as per his request) was busy digging Lambda's grave. His excavator had malfunctioned, making him bring out the good ol' shovel. LickingWalrus had been in this line of work for decades, and using a shovel reminded him of how things used to be back when he was still just a young boy. It wasn't the most pleasant thing for his back, though, as would be expected of a back pushing 60. Schedule was tight, and he was forced to work overtime. At about 9 p.m., the moon showed itself. It was a full moon in all its natural glory. LickingWalrus heard footsteps behind him. Surprised, he turned around. "Jesus, you scared me," he ejaculated in relief (hehe, I've always wanted to try this phrase). "The wolf never sleeps," Astrozka smiled at him cunningly. "What are you here for? It's late." "Nah, it's nothing. Just thought I'd drop by." He said, slowly approaching the old gravedigger. "...?" In a flash, Astrozka closed the distance between the two and dug his nails deep into LickingWalrus's throat. Unable to resist, he was thrown effortlessly into the pit he'd spent hours digging. "Now, this must be what it means to dig one's own grave," the wolf laughed, and buried the old man in dirt using the shovel. ... "Death by choking, check. Death by falling piano, check. Death by burying, check," said Reader, going over his weekly quota. "Death by drowning... Haagh, just let me retire already." He picked up his pen, and started writing the details of the next death in the book. "Let's see... Grand, Goon. A peculiar name deserves a peculiar endgame, a grand one. Sadly the setting you've been given is rather mid, yes, mid at best." 'Time of death: October 13th, 23.32. Cause of death: Drowning. Details: After a goon, he slips on his sauce, drowns'...